BEGIN TRANSMISSION

Well isn’t this ducky, it's time for yet another installment of Radio Phree Philadelphia; the only news show in the area which truly and honestly doesn’t give a shit about its listeners. Tonight we’re broadcasting on 106.9 which, until a few seconds ago, was the home of Evangelist Radio (‘All Bigots, All The Time’). In fact, in an attempt to further piss off various oppressive religious organizations, we’ve decided to divert the calls that would normally go to 106.9, into my little radio booth here. Oh, look! We have a caller! Hello, you’re on the God line. Can I help you further oppress the masses in some way?

Yes, as a matter of fact. We’re planning a march on 13th and Chestnut street in Center City Philly which, as you may know, is a haven for homosexuals and other individuals or evil. I was wondering if you know of any irrational, prejudiced, bigoted slogans we could shout while wandering through the streets in a lame attempt to agitate a group of individuals who generally keep to themselves and don’t bother anybody.

Sure! I can think of plenty! How about this one: “Hey gay people! We represent a group of religious type people who rarely follow what we preach, whose leaders often get caught up in sex and money scandals, who would rather spend time pestering people than helping to solve real problems in the world such as hunger, violence, and abuse, who like to teach our children an unnatural hatred toward our fellow human beings, a hatred that would never manifest if it wasn’t rubbed in their faces by assholes such as ourselves, a...

Goddamnit, that’s not an anti-homosexual statement!

Blasphemer! You just bought yourself a one way ticket to HELL! Die, fucker, die!!!!!!!!!

(click)

Gee. Looks like he hung up. Imagine that. Amazing how quickly they fold.....

Anyway, enough public awareness shit. It’s now time for Fudge Hansom, and his Prank Of The Day. Fudge?

Razor?

Don’t even start.

Uh, yeah. Ok. Well, today I’m standing in the middle of Philly’s beautiful City Hall.

The place with the bird shit covered Billy Penn statue on top?

That would be it.

Does your prank involve the statue?

Well, no, not really....

And why the Hell not?

Well, I was gonna do something a bit different....

Damnit, Fudge, I told you I wanted a prank involving the statue.

But...

I’m gonna do the news now, Fudge. When I’m done, you’d better have a Billy Penn statue prank ready for me.

But I....

(click)

Ok, news time.

Aregon Oil experienced yet ANOTHER spill when it lodged one of its tankers way the hell up the Delaware, miles away from any refinery. Investigators have determined that Aregon Oil’s apparent inability to upgrade the navigational computers on their ships led to this disaster, as well as a similar one last week when a tanker rammed headfirst into a Camden Inc. gambling boat. While the Yakuza were nice enough to punish the offending corporation for the Camden incident (5 dead, 12 injured) it is unlikely any legal means will be able to penetrate Aregon Oil’s dense layer of layers effectively enough to provide adequate punishment. Unless some kind of Eco group steps in, it appears that the corp will get off Scot-free.

Wow! This just in! The eco-warrior group known as Earth Now, Damnit has arrived on the scene of Aregon’s recent wreck and is currently in the process of dipping the ship’s Captain, several Aregon representatives, and even some of the Investigators, into the petroleum covered river. Justice will be served.

Next up, Philadelphia experienced one of its worst traffic jams in history when the Department Of Roads simultaneously repaved thirty different intersections. Apparently the detour signs were set up in such a pattern that they vented virtually all Center City traffic into a narrow, one lane alley that dead ended at the edge of the Schuylkill river. More than fifty cars were pushed into the river’s waters by exceptionally aggressive drivers before the Department Of Roads realized their mistake and rearranged the detour signs so they’d vent traffic down a TWO lane road that dead ended at the Schuylkill river. Fun, fun, fun.....

Speaking of fun, let’s check back with Fudge Hansom and see how that prank is coming. Fudge?

Razor?

Knock it off.

Right-o. Anyway, the William Penn statue prank is all set and it’s certain to be a knee-slapper.

Swell, just get moving. And there better be some good audio.

Oh, there’s gonna be audio all right. Prank away in three, two, one....

(extremely loud explosion)

WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?

That...uh....was a rocket impacting upon the statue and shattering it into about 100,000 pieces.

YOU BLEW UP THE FRIGGIN STATUE?

That we did.

Damnit, Fudge! I wanted a prank, not an act of terrorism!

But...

Don’t but me, you little mound of crap. I LIKED that statue. I thought it was beautiful the way the sunlight would glisten off the fresh bird shit first thing in the morning. I liked walking near the statue and making slick comments such as: “Wow, Billy’s got a HUGE ass!” But now you’ve ruined it!

(silence)

Fudge?

(silence)

Fudge?

Uh, Mr. Razor sir. Fudge has just been tackled by several Minuteman response teams. I don’t think we’re gonna be seeing him for a while.

Who the hell are you?

I’m, uh, Fudge’s brother, Smudge.

Are you funny?

Well, not really.

Are you pathetic?

Pretty much, yeah.

Great! I love pathetic!

What are you getting at, sir?

Let me put it this way: Do you know any good pranks?

Oh shit.

END TRANSMISSION