Radio Phree Philadelphia #007
Phucked Up And Phree In Philadelphia
By Blackjack [Blackjack's Shadowrun Page: www.BlackjackSR.com] [BlackjackSRx@gmail.com] [@BlackjackSRx]

Posted: 1999-05-24

BEGIN TRANSMISSION

I’ve decided to waste away this session of RPP by dumping all of my current Philadelphia gripes on all my firearm toting friends out there in listener land.  And, no, I’m not going to bitch about the pot holes.  As far as I’m concerned, the three meter deep craters that pocket every street in the city are no longer a nuisance; they’re tradition.  If you’ve got problems with pot holes then you should learn how to drive the hell around them like everybody else in the world.  And, for god sakes, get a real freaking car if you’re going to be driving around here.  I, myself, drive a 1977 Buick, because I have this odd need to actually have a freaking BUMPER on my car, not some kind of molded pseudo-safety device.  Sure, since the 1990s, cars have been designed to dissipate the energy of an impact through the entire vehicle.  And, yeah, it works.  But I still don’t like the feeling of knowing that a simple 20 kph impact will crumple my car like an accordion.  When I hit something (or when something hits me) I want the impact to be absorbed by a nice bar of steel sitting at either end of my vehicle.  That way, when I get in a wreck, I simply replace my chrome.  All you modern car drivers, however, will be busy replacing your entire damn car.  And no air bags either.  Any time I sit in a car with an air bag, all I can do is stare at it, waiting for the damn thing to unexpectedly pop open in my face.   And the thing that irritates me the most about them is that fact that they inflate during even the most measly of collisions.  If I had an air bag blowing up in my face every time I collided with someone at 20kph,, I’d have a nose flatter than those ugly ass Pug dogs you see rich people toting around.   

Where was I?  Oh yeah: Philadelphia gripes.

Lets begin with the tendency of people to plant their cars right smack dab in the middle of the cross walk when they come to a stop light.  Now, I don’t do a lot of walking, but it seems like every time I do I come to a corner and find some snotty ass big wig sitting in his Rolls with the nose of his car dangling into the one strip of roadway a pedestrian is periodically permitted to walk on.  This forces me to dart partially into the flow of perpendicular street traffic, thus risking death by crack head or - even worse - public bus driver.  Thus, I’d like to put out a call to the mayor, or any other higher up who also happens to be annoyed with crosswalk jerks: Lets make a law that makes it legal for pedestrians to walk right OVER the hood, roof, or trunk of any car that’s covering more than 50% of a crosswalk.  I bet those Rolls drivers would clean up their act if they suddenly had thirty or forty boot clad individuals tromping over their precious paint job.

In fact, lets call up the Mayor right now.  I haven’t talked to him in quite a while;  not since some psychotic pirate radio host kidnapped him a few months ago.  Let’s see....yup, here’s his number.  I keep it right next to the number for Pine Street Pizza.  Great place, but stay away from the gyros or you’ll end up with an unfortunate flatulation situation that could possibly set your pants on fire.  Ok, dialing.......

Mayor Grant.

Mayor Grant?

Yes, this is Mayor Grant.

You call that a greeting?

Well, yes, I do.  Who is this?

A concerned citizen.

How did you get my private number?

I just looked next to the number for Pine Street Pizza.

Uh, yeah..

Anyway, I’m not much of a concerned citizen unless I have an actual concern, so here goes.

You sound familiar.

Don’t interrupt me, Mr. Man, you’re messing up my concern.

Sorry.

Anyway, I wish to propose a law that allows people to partially annihilate the vehicles of anybody who stops their car in a crosswalk.

That seems a little drastic.

Ah, ha!  A sympathizer!  I bet you butt your car into the crosswalk all the time, you jerk!

Hey, just who do you think you....

Actually, I’m guessing your personal limo pretty much blocks the entire friggin intersection when it comes to a halt!

Now look here!

So, how long do you think it’ll take to push this new law through council?

(click)

Pussy.  Can’t even engage in a little bit of healthy banter without getting all frizzled up.  Anyway, I think it’s time to take a call from our fun phone which I believe is venting calls from the city’s sewer department service line.  You’ve reached the poop line, how may I help you?

The “poop” line?

Yes, under our newest contract all unionized sewage workers are permitted to call the department hotline whatever the hell they want.  I have chosen “the poop line” as its current title.  If you wish to complain, I’d be more than happy to send over a large detachment of Teamsters to argue with you via pipe wrench.

Uh, no.  That won’t be necessary.  The reason I’m calling is that the sewage line along the 4000 block of Walnut appears to be backing up.

And what gives you that idea?

Well, there’s currently a fountain of shit erupting in my basement.

Hmm, definitely appears that you have a problem.  Here’s how you can solve it: Run around to all the toilets in your house and flush them repeatedly.  The combined force of the water flow should dislodge any clog.

Are you sure?

Positive.

Oh, here goes.  (flush) (flush) (flush) (flush) (sploooooooooossssshhhhhhh!)

Oh, dear god, there’s raw sewage in my kitchen!

Glad I could be of help!  (click)  Ok, I think it’s time for a bit o’ news:

Subway travel was slightly disrupted today when a group of “sensitivity terrorists” seized control of a Broad Street train and took its passengers on a harrowing journey that lasted a full 2.5 seconds.  Apparently the terrorists didn’t realize that technology has provided for a few safeguards that prevent subway hijackings, such as these neat little devices called ‘switches’ that can be used by well trained response personnel known as ‘anybody in the main control room’ to cut off a high tech, ultramodern energy source called ‘electricity’.  The terrorists were apparently protesting the subway’s complete disregard for the feelings of the individual molecules that combine to form the materials used to build the train.  After being detained for a few hours, the terrorists were released on the grounds that they’d eventually do something stupid and kill themselves, so why waste time and resources by prosecuting them.

Since nothing else real interesting has happened in Philly lately, I've decided to look to New Jersey for additional items.  And during my dredging I came up with a startling news item that is certain to come as a shock to a full .0001 percent of out listening audience: New Jersey still sucks.

So we'll just move right along to the prank of the day with Smudge Hansom, still filling in for his brother who is currently dating a large man named Olf for the next ten to twenty years.  So, Smudge, what do you have for us today?

I plan on detonating a neutron bomb in South Philadelphia.

Er, don't you think that will erk the Mafia a bit?

You're probably right.  How about I go with plan B?

Yes, how about you go with plan B.

Ok.  Here goes.....

Woah!  How about you explain plan B first.  Remember, I still run the show here, and I want to make sure that any horrifically annoying prank you have planned does not go through without first receiving my full approval.

Understood.  Plan B involves detonating a neutron bomb in West Philly.

(silence)

I'm guessing this does not meet with your full approval?

It does not meet with a mere sliver of my approval.  You'd better have a plan C, and it'd better not involve nuclear devices.

I'll have to go with plan D, then.

Well, you'd better friggin go through with some kind of goddamn plan before we run out of letters in the alphabet!

Gotcha.  Plan D involves detonating a conventional......

Forget it.  Today's prank has been canceled due to incompetence.  It is painfully clear that, while initially impressive, the quality and creativity of Smudge's work is significantly less than that of Fudge.

For this reason, I'm offering 25,000 nuyen to anybody who can break Fudge out of the Ardmore Federal Prison.  A 10k bonus will be handed out to anyone who can do it before we air the next show.  No wetwork is permitted, except on Fudge if he gets out of line.

This show's over.  I'm going to a bar.

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