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Well, goodness me! An actual unoccupied freakin frequency. Seems like every moron with a microphone is taking to the waves now a days. First caller. Dennis Anderson, a.k.a. Phoenix, from Northeast, you're on the air.

Damnit, you said you wouldn't use my real name.

I say a lot of things, Denny. Just the other day I said I'd start doing the dishes more often. Day before that I said I'd stop giving cops the finger. And last week I said I'd start being nice to people. Needless to say the dishes are up to the ceiling, my middle finger's getting tired, and I just used your real name. Any questions?

(silence)

I thought not. What's your question, jerk off.

Yeah, well, I've heard rumors that the new line of Fuchi decks are installed with.....

(Loud siren goes off.) Uh, oh! We have a K-Mart decker! And we all know what that means!

(Pre recorded children voices) A wall weenie post!

Yes, Denny, you just earned yourself a message posted in every matrix based discussion group in existence informing the world that, not only to you buy decks off the shelf, by that you also enjoy sexual intercourse with a variety of barnyard animals!

You son of a bi..(click)

Damn, lost the caller. I'll have to look into that. Hey, it's 12:40! Or 1:40. Is it time for that clock setting thing? Why do we do that anyway? Anyway, whatever time it is it's time for Fudge Hansom's prank of the day. You there Fudge?

Yepper.

This isn't another explosive whoopie cushion trick, is it?

No, Razor, I've got something special for you today.

You said that yesterday and it was another explosive whoopie cushion joke and I was forced to play a little prank of my own involving your car and a baseball bat.

Retribution I most certainly deserved and which proved to be a life changing....

You take over the station or something? My show idiot, meaning only I get to use the cool words like "retribution". Get on with it.

Ok! I'm currently standing outside the Artiste' Theater where I have replaced the cast of Tale Of Two Cities with a group of troll nudists imported from the mountains of West Virginia. What you're about to hear is a live recording from inside the theater. Listen closely...

Margot, dear, I do believe the expressionistic construct of despair is dramatically enhanced by the liberalist injection of a symbolic representation of flagrant disregard for the status quo. The expositional nature of the performance solidifies Dickens' original appeal for the deconstruction of.....

Uh, Fudge, you did say this was a prank, did you not?

I don't understand. Those trolls were hideous. I, I...

You may wish to move your car before the day is over. I possess items much larger than a baseball bat.

But, I didn't realize..(click)

Well, that was less than fun. But look! A call on the fun phone, today directing calls from the city's 911 system. Hullo, this is a cop or operator or something, what's the emergency?

My cat, Muffy, is stuck in a tree. Please help. I'm at...

I'm sorry I don't seem to have Muffy on file. Is she a tax paying citizen?

She's a cat, for Christ sakes! She's been up there in the sun for hours. Please...

So you're admitting to the fact that Muffy has not been filing her taxes?

SHE'S A CAT!

Miss, or sir, failure to file taxes is a serious crime, a crime for which more and more people are being punished severely for. I hope you realize, if convicted, Muffy could end up spending ten to twenty years in a federal prison completely devoid of cat nip.

There are birds pecking her now. Please...

And I sure I'm not jumping to conclusions by assuming that said birds have not been filing taxes either.

They're not my birds!

Oh, so you have trespassers. Aggressive ones at that. I'll send a SWAT team over immediately.

But they're not people they're...(click)

Almost fun, but not quite. Must be news time.

Topping the list is reopening of the Liberty Bell pavilion today after being shut down as the result of an attack in which a group of unidentified individuals blew off the front doors of the facility and proceeded to fill in the Bell's famous crack. They did such a good job that restorers couldn't figure out exactly where the crack was in the first place, forcing them to make an entirely new one. Unfortunately the restorers actions resulted in the bell being split completely in half, requiring fifty thousand dollars worth of repairs. The repairs were done by a group of individuals who refused to give their names but were hired based on their level of skill and the claim that, in the past, they had worked on repairing a bell exactly like it.

Repairs have also been completed on the Schuylkill expressway after a tractor trailer carrying several tons of explosives jack- knifed and then blew up a few moments later creating a crater many volcanoes would be envious of. When interviewed after being arrested for driving while under the influence of unknown substances the driver was quoted as saying "Everything would have been fine if the city would keep better track of their flying purple bagels."

And finally, in what may or may not be the ultimate display of affection, a pair of new-punks from South Street, affectionately known as "freak street", were killed yesterday as each were impaled upon each other's various spiked articles of clothing during a hugging attempt. Needless to say the fall out has caused a shortage of spiked objects around the city as teenagers, who described the incident as "way cool", buy up anything sharp and pointed even resorting to bulk stuffed hedgehog purchases. At least they're not blowing stuff up.

Ok, we'll take one last call from the fun phone. Hullo, you've reached..

Shut up Razor, this is Nexus calling from Pirate 102 FM, New York, and I'd just like to let you know how all of us here in the Big Apple think your show sucks shit.

Well, well, if it isn't that little turd boy who took fifteen years to find a job on the waves and still has to V.O. Froot Of The Loom commercials to make ends meet.

Strong words coming from a donkey screwing loser such as yourself.

You little wiener licking fairy boy, why don't you just pack up your card board box, stop by for a visit, and say that to my face!

I value my sight, you pus sucking ignorant wendigo bastard child. How 'bout I stop by for a second and kick your ass? I'll probably have time left over.

Bring it on, you two bit wannabe air jock Runabout driving UZI II shooting piece of festering road kill!

Small brained whoremongering crap eating...

Pussy footed fat assed...

Prick munching..

Ball licking...

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